Sometimes a song can be like a photograph.
The feel of your skin, your scent, the way the sunlight reflected in your eyes
Come back to me as fresh as that moment
When I held you there.
All of our lives, hopes, dreams, and fears,
Gone forever now,
Captured within the chords of a melody.
Who are you really and what were you before?
What did you do and what did you think?
Slipping backwards into shadow.
Banished thoughts now closing in.
A kind word?
Water for a dying man.
Like a window I used to pass
Looking out on a busy street.
Small and dark, one of many;
No one taking the time to see.
Yet I turned my head,
I caught a glimpse,
Now I can't look away.
By purest chance I saw your light,
Your art, your poetry.
I hate this. I've become a dreamer who doesn't dream and I don't know where I lost that. I keep thinking that maybe if I knew why I've become so broken then maybe I can start to put myself back together again.
I'm adrift and looking for a new course... but I feel like I've lost the tools to plot the way.
It's been a year and I still dream about her. She hurt me more deeply than any other woman ever has and yet, in my dreams, all I feel is longing and regret. It's a bit ironic really, she broke everything when she couldn't let go of her past and now here I am, still looking back.
A New Year
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be the blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
I just realized tomorrow is Christmas.
I had planned on going out early this morning and spending a day on the bus. I have several things to return for cash, need to make a trip to the bank, post some things to e-bay, pay my phone bill, apply for yet more jobs. Instead I just woke up at 6pm. I went to bed at 2am yesterday morning.
What the hell is wrong with me? I'm worried that I'm sick. I hate that it feels like I have to take a running start at everything lately.
Ran across someone quoting an old XKCD comic online.
"You look like you're going to spend your life having one epiphany after another, always thinking you've finally figured out what's holding you back, and how you can finally be productive and creative and turn your life around.
But nothing will ever change. That cycle of mediocrity isn't due to some obstacle. It's who you are.
The thing standing in the way of your dreams is that the person having them is you."
I'm just realizing that I'm in the midst of a deep depression. I've felt down before and I've gone through some shit but I've never reached a point this low. I swore that I was going to get out of bed tomorrow. That I was going to get up and take care of the growing list of things I need to deal with. That was a week ago. My frustratingly moody, uncommunicative, and has-an-excuse-for-everything roommate is just adding to, well, everything. I don't know how I got so lost but I feel like I need a miracle at this point.
It's taking me a long time to find my way back... I haven't felt this lonely, this lost, in a very long time.
Now that the decision is made, my life feels like a cage.
and... nothing. Not a single response.
Bloody hell.
To say that I'm disappointed would be an understatement.
Nothing to do now but leave the state in shame. (j/k)
No, seriously though, Jess is looking to move and I need a roommate.
It'd be a new town with new places to explore. The Strip at night. Bryce Canyon, Zion, Hoover Dam, the Grand Canyon, Red Rock; all less than 3 hours away. Could be absolutely fantastic for my photography.
Could rent a house there for cheaper than we could get a 2bdr hole in the wall here. We could have an art room/studio. OhmygodYES.
Paul is hung up on this (passive-aggressively controlling) girl and doesn't have his shit together. I don't know if he ever will at this point. He was supposed to have a job and be ready to move by August initially; now MAYBE sometime in October. His brother ran off with some of the family money so now Paul is giving all his money to them for mortgage and bill payments. I had to pay for Chipotle last night because he says he was flat broke.
I seriously worry about him being able to handle a budget and pay bills. It's not that I think he's irresponsible, I just don't think he understands all the costs that are going to be involved. For the entire time I've known him he's been used to being able to just say "hey, I want that, I can take my next $700 paycheck and blow it all to get that". Besides, I also don't want to have to change my lifestyle if she were to start coming over all the time and expect that we're going to change our plans because she doesn't like to do that (specifically in regards to hanging out and gaming).
I'll have to look more into jobs and housing and see if it's feasible. Draw up a plan and a budget. Maybe take a trip out there next week and look at places.
I did it.
I sent that last personals response that I've been agonizing over. Don't know why I was so worried about FUCKING this one up but I was. I rewrote it a dozen times. Finally just took the leap and sent the first thing I'd written. Yeah it was cheesy... but it has me written all over it. And that's what I'm doing here anyway right? Trying to find someone who complements me.
Well its out there now in the ether. Nothing left to do but wait.
